Every Man Should do his Duty
?
Lord Nelson standing on the Deck of his Flag Ship calls Over Hardy.
Nelson: ‘Order the signal, hardy.’
Hard : ‘Aye,aye,sir.’
Nelson: ‘Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?’
Hardy: Sorry sir.
Nelson (reading the flags aloud): “England expects every person to do his duty,
Regardless of Race, Gender, Sexual orientation, Religious persuasion or Disability.’
What gobbledygook is this?’
Hardy: ‘Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We are an equal opportunities employer now.
We had the devil’s own job getting ‘ENGLAND’ past the censors, least it be considered
Racist.’
Nelson: Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my Pipe and Tobacco.’
Hard: ‘Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke – free working
Environments.’
Nelson: ‘In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel
The men before battle.’
Hardy: ‘The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s
Policy on binge drinking.’
Nelson: ‘good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it… Full speed ahead.’
Hardy: ‘I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.’
Nelson: ‘Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must
Advance with all dispatch. Report from the Crow’s Nest please’.
Hardy: ‘That will not be possible, sir.’
Nelson ‘WHAT’
Hardy: Health and Safety have closed the crows nest, Sir. No harness; and they said
Those rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let any one up there until a
Proper scaffolding can be erected.’
Nelson: Then get me the ship’s carpenter with out delay, hardy.’
Hardy: He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.’
Nelson: ‘Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.’
Hardy: ‘Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier – free
Environment for the disabled.’
Nelson: ‘ Disabled ? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear
mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card’.
Hardy: ‘Actually, sir. You did. The royal Navy is under represented in the areas of
Visul impairment and limb deficiency.’
Nelson: ‘What ever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.’
Hardy: ‘A couple of problems there too, Sir. Health and Safety won’t let the crew up
The rigging with out hard hats. And they don’t want any-one breathing in too much
Salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?’
Nelson: ‘I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the Cannon and tell the men to
Stand by to engage the enemy.’
Hardy: ‘The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, admiral.’
Nelson: ‘What? This is Mutiny!’
Hardy: ‘It’s not that, Sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with Murder
If they actually kill any-one. There’s a couple of Legal Aid Lawyers on board, watching
ever-one like hawks.’
Nelson: ‘ THEN how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish ?’
Hardy: ‘ Actually, Sir, we’re not.’
Nelson: We’re Not ?’
Hardy: ‘No, Sir. The French and the Spanish are our European Partners now. According
to the Common Fisheries Policy, we should not even be in this stretch of water. We could
get hit with a claim for compensation.’
Nelson: ‘But you must Hate a Frenchman as you hate the Devil.’
Hardy: ‘I would not let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator here you say that sir.
You’ll be up on a disciplinary report.’
Nelson: ‘you must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.’
Hardy: ‘not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life’
Nelson: Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to Rum, Sodomy,
And the Lash.’
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there is a ban on corporal
punishment.’
Nelson: ‘What about Sodomy?’
Hardy: ‘I believe that is now Legal, sir.
Nelson ‘ In that case ………………………………………..
……………………………………………………………………
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Kiss me Hardy.’