Author Topic: Village News - Please add yours  (Read 60525 times)

Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #120 on: May 17, 2017, 12:19:56 AM »
The vicar would like to hear from the person who bought the Souvenir of Amsterdam set from the Church Bazaar, that consisted of a De Wallen mug, a miniature bottle of Amstel beer, and a framed condom with the legend "In emergency, break glass", as he thinks he may have left his top set in the mug.

Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #121 on: May 26, 2017, 08:07:28 PM »
LAST TANGO IN PARRY'S

Mr Parry, who keeps the Village Store, apologises because he has run out of orangeade and will not get new stocks until Tuesday.

minniemouse

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #122 on: May 26, 2017, 08:09:13 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D
Smoking kills you, bacon kills you, smoking bacon cures it.

Mondays Child

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #123 on: May 27, 2017, 03:35:22 PM »
LOST

Small dog white with brown patches. Red collar. Only three legs. Answers to the name, Tripod.

Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #124 on: Jun 01, 2017, 01:26:09 PM »
The Womens Institute regrets that the talk that was due to be given by Miss Jennie Withers, curator of the Village Donkey Sanctuary, has had to be postponed, as she has been in bed with the doctor for over a week and is now feeling a little hoarse.

Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #125 on: Jun 13, 2017, 01:01:25 PM »
GENERAL ELECTION RESULT

As predicted, the winning candidate in the Village constituency election was Mr J. Smith, for the Borrow a Lot and Carry On Party, with a considerably reduced majority.  In his acceptance speech he said his party would borrow a lot and carry on. Both the defeated candidates claimed that this was a great victory for their party and called on Mr Smith to resign.

Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #126 on: Aug 22, 2017, 11:01:10 AM »
Freddie Flush, the attendant at the Gents' toilets has announced his engagement to Myrtle Winters, the attendant at the Ladies. The vicar says it will be a marriage of convenience.

Scrumpy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #127 on: Aug 23, 2017, 10:14:05 AM »



The vicar has had his frock stolen from the vestry..

Would parishioners please keep a watchful eye..
     
It is pink taffeta.. green lace at neck and hem with a slit at the back..
Everything will be alright in the end, and if it’s not alright, its not the end.

minniemouse

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #128 on: Aug 23, 2017, 01:10:36 PM »
The vicar said that stiff opposition is expected to new graveyard plan.
Smoking kills you, bacon kills you, smoking bacon cures it.

StephenM123

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #129 on: Aug 23, 2017, 07:48:37 PM »
Following the cancellation of Christmas in Birmingham it has now been cancelled in surrounding villages. Apparently this is because of a lack of Christmas spirit of either kind!  ;D

crabbyob

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #130 on: Aug 23, 2017, 08:05:59 PM »
the village tennis association has been refused permission to name their new courts behind the effluent filters "Flushing Meadows"
“Life may not be the party we hoped for, but as we are already here we may as well dance”

minniemouse

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #131 on: Aug 24, 2017, 12:15:16 AM »
There were many antiques at the Pensioners Bring and Buy sale.
Smoking kills you, bacon kills you, smoking bacon cures it.

zoony

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #132 on: Aug 24, 2017, 12:46:56 AM »
The town orchestra is appealing for Woodwinds and Brass. Any punch-lines would be looked upon kindly..
"Listen to the wind, it cleans the mind."

"Never use money to measure wealth, son"

                                           cowboy wisdom.

crabbyob

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #133 on: Aug 24, 2017, 09:44:39 AM »
the conducter gave Brian the Bass drum, Brian asked what he was expected to do with it
the conducter told Brian he should beat it
if your not coming back Brian could you please return the drum?
“Life may not be the party we hoped for, but as we are already here we may as well dance”

minniemouse

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #134 on: Aug 24, 2017, 09:52:33 AM »
 ;D ;D ;D
Smoking kills you, bacon kills you, smoking bacon cures it.