Author Topic: Village News - Please add yours  (Read 13791 times)

Mondays Child

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 651
Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #660 on: May 15, 2018, 10:02:31 AM »
The vicar would like to announce that even though he's gone bald, he's still going to keep the comb he's had for over ten years.


He just can't part with it....


😁😁😁

Floydian

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1467
Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #661 on: May 16, 2018, 09:58:27 AM »
There are a number of malicious rumours circulating around the village that the vicar is bone idle. Until these stop he's refusing to take down the christmas decorations...
Thy shalt not covet thy neighbours wife's ass...

minniemouse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8177
Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #662 on: May 16, 2018, 03:56:35 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D  They are still up at my Hairdressers!
At the end of the game, the King and the pawn go back into the same box.

Ashy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 14414
Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #663 on: May 16, 2018, 05:47:37 PM »
The Vicar has hit back at suggestions that he is lazy. In a statement issued by the vicarage this afternoon, he said "The Christmas decorations have not been taken down owing to health and safety issues. Whilst I was pinning the latest 'Health and Safety and Accident Reports' on the vestry notice board, my step ladder collapsed, causing injury to my ankles and arms which have not yet fully healed, and damaging the step ladder beyond repair."
Chairman, Campaign Against Organisations with Pointless Abbreviated Titles (COWPAT)

I'm not paying 1/- for that little bag, put the stuff in my hat

Floydian

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1467
Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #664 on: May 17, 2018, 12:04:51 AM »
Regretfully we have to announce the passing of Tiddles the church cat who accidently got into the washing machine. At least he died in comfort....
Thy shalt not covet thy neighbours wife's ass...

Floydian

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1467
Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #665 on: May 18, 2018, 03:47:13 PM »
We would like to announce that our village hall is going to be the venue for the world origami championships. We expect the tv companies will want to film this event but it will only be shown on paper view...
Thy shalt not covet thy neighbours wife's ass...

Scrumpy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13952
Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #666 on: May 18, 2018, 04:16:04 PM »



Villagers are keen to practice their origami skills ..
 Bill Sprat at the chippy is wrapping up orders in a ship shape fashion .
 The newsagent will fold the Mirror into the shape of a small compact and  Ethel Browns husband spends a couple of hours in the loo .. He won’t reveal his secret to her .
Don't think of a caterpillar dying..Think of a butterfly living.


[email protected]

Floydian

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1467
Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #667 on: May 19, 2018, 01:57:04 PM »
The former indian karaoke bar that was owned by Gerupta Singh has now been converted into a restaurant. It will also feature large screen televisions and customers can watch authentic Indian soaps like Curry nation street, home and bombay, ahmed dale and Bollyoaks. Childrens tv will also be showing back to back episodes of Andy Ghandi and postman pak. Red dot food will be served all day with the speciality dish being chicken tarka, which is similar to chicken tikka, only it's a little otter.....
« Last Edit: May 19, 2018, 02:20:17 PM by Floydian »
Thy shalt not covet thy neighbours wife's ass...

Ashy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 14414
Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #668 on: Jul 23, 2018, 07:51:46 PM »
The Church Council is sorry to announce that next Sunday's service will be given by the Dean of St Clare's as the Village vicar is recovering from injuries received when the Health and Safety notice board fell on him after last Wednesday's evensong. He suffered considerable bruising to his shoulder and also cut his head open on the vase donated by Lady Shallott which broke as he fell on it. The Church Council wishes the Vicar a speedy recovery.
Chairman, Campaign Against Organisations with Pointless Abbreviated Titles (COWPAT)

I'm not paying 1/- for that little bag, put the stuff in my hat

crabbyob

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9906
Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #669 on: Jul 23, 2018, 09:35:39 PM »
the village paperboy has refused to deliver to the convent for fear of further molestation.... Tom Jones the plasterer has taken over his round
every hill has a down side

Ashy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 14414
Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #670 on: Aug 30, 2018, 05:59:41 PM »
Police looking for the Village bus that was stolen from the village green last month, waited six weeks for leads, and then three came along at once.
Chairman, Campaign Against Organisations with Pointless Abbreviated Titles (COWPAT)

I'm not paying 1/- for that little bag, put the stuff in my hat

crabbyob

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9906
Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #671 on: Aug 30, 2018, 08:04:08 PM »
the world oragami championship is cancelled
the organising company folded
every hill has a down side

Floydian

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1467
Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #672 on: Aug 30, 2018, 10:58:46 PM »
The man who threw a petrol bomb into the local Sikh temple has now been arrested and charged with launching a sikh heating missile.
« Last Edit: Aug 30, 2018, 11:31:37 PM by Floydian »
Thy shalt not covet thy neighbours wife's ass...

crabbyob

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9906
Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #673 on: Aug 31, 2018, 08:28:20 AM »
the vicar has announced a new order christening service
girls first, then boys then......
bringing up the rear
the gender neutrals
every hill has a down side

crabbyob

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9906
Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #674 on: Aug 31, 2018, 08:38:12 AM »
when the doctor suggested Viagra for Crabby
Crabby asked if he could get it over the counter
the doctor told him that depended on how many pills he took
every hill has a down side