Author Topic: Village News - Please add yours  (Read 19092 times)

Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #825 on: Mar 20, 2019, 10:29:54 AM »
 :) :) :) :) :) ;D ;D ;D ;D :) :)    ;D ;D ;D

The vicar's daughter will be travelling to Pontefract tomorrow morning to obtain the agreement of the District Synod to delay the village fete. The chairman of the Fete Committee was clearly excited and was on the edge of his seat, when it collapsed, tipping him onto the floor.

Following the discovery of advanced woodworm infestation in the committee room chairs, a Standing Committee has been formed to deal with the problem.
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Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #826 on: Mar 24, 2019, 09:32:33 AM »
The vicar has apologised to parishioners for his absence from Matins this morning. As many will be aware, he has been smoking like a chimney for many years, and now has the flue. The sermon will be read out by his daughter, wearing a trouser suit.
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fortyone

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #827 on: Mar 24, 2019, 06:52:24 PM »
Sadly as we know the vicars daughter recovered from her earlier laryngitis so the whole congregation heard her sermon and many were not best pleased with the content. There are rumours that she may be announcing an early retirement to spend more time with her dolls and pins.

Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #828 on: Mar 24, 2019, 06:54:46 PM »
 ::) :) :) :) :) :)
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minniemouse

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #829 on: Mar 24, 2019, 09:04:54 PM »
Obituaries.


Sadly, Mavis the village hairdresser has curled up and dyed.
I saw an ad for burial plots.  I thought to myself, "this is the last thing I need".

Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #830 on: Mar 25, 2019, 06:02:53 AM »
.... the funeral arrangements are being made by Kaz's Turkish Morticians in the Village High Street, "Seven Slabs, No Waiting".
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Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #831 on: May 22, 2019, 09:47:21 AM »
The village charity shop has asked the Vicar's daughter not to bring the stuffed elephant back to the shop. We cannot sell it.
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Scrumpy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #832 on: May 22, 2019, 01:10:18 PM »



... nobody want's an elephant in their room.
Don't think of a caterpillar dying..Think of a butterfly living.


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GrannyMac

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #833 on: May 22, 2019, 01:36:50 PM »
There are reports of a missing person roaming the midlands, muttering about various men who have said things, and asking people if they have a pension.  He has been spotted running in the early hours.  If he is seen in your village, please point him in the direction of a Wetherspoons or an Asda filling station.
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

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Dorsetmike

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #834 on: May 22, 2019, 01:45:03 PM »
Obituaries
Megan the Chiropodist has turned her toes up
I'm like my avatar, a local ruin

Scrumpy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #835 on: May 25, 2019, 11:07:25 AM »





                WEIGHTWATCHERS MAY DAY OUTING.


IF ANYONE FROM THE SLIMMING CLUB HAS A SPARE TYRE.
 PLEASE HAND IT OVER TO ANDY THE DRIVER. HE HAS LOST HIS.
Don't think of a caterpillar dying..Think of a butterfly living.


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Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #836 on: May 25, 2019, 11:02:35 PM »
A lorry has shed its load of wigs and hairpieces at the junction of London Road and Church Street. Police are combing the area.
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Scrumpy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #837 on: May 26, 2019, 08:44:52 AM »



The dentist turned out with a tooth comb.. and the village idiot did a brilliant job with the nit comb.
 Unfortunately some wigs are still missing ,including a blond Marilyn Monroe wig.. To add to the mystery a big red frock and polka dot knickers was stolen from Ollie Jones's washing line just after the event..
Don't think of a caterpillar dying..Think of a butterfly living.


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