Author Topic: Village News - Please add yours  (Read 26070 times)

crabbyob

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #900 on: Dec 02, 2019, 09:42:09 AM »
wanted...puncture repair kit
Bill the Bladders incontinent pants have sprung a leak
every hill has a down side, even Benny Hill

Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #901 on: Dec 16, 2019, 07:52:59 PM »
The vicar is pleased to say he will be back in the Village Church on Sunday after his release from police custody, having been arrested after last week's sermon. He realises that telling the congregation that "his brother had caught a rat, so they had to kill him" was a poor choice of words.
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richmond62

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #902 on: Dec 16, 2019, 08:07:31 PM »
"Pop in here to sample our loose sweeties."

Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #903 on: Dec 16, 2019, 10:02:59 PM »
FOR SALE £25
Small antique table, one owner from new with spiral legs.
APPLY WITHIN
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Scrumpy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #904 on: Dec 17, 2019, 10:17:22 AM »



  There were no offers for the red bus that was dumped in the village pond by joy riders last week....


  One Owner... Low Mileage.


 FREE... FOR SCRAP.
Don't think of a caterpillar dying..Think of a butterfly living.


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Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #905 on: Dec 17, 2019, 10:56:11 AM »
Police are asking the duck who took the bus home last night to waddle forward.
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richmond62

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #906 on: Dec 17, 2019, 11:45:25 AM »
Any duck who turned himself into the police would be quackers.

Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #907 on: Dec 17, 2019, 02:11:19 PM »
Last night the Village Council received a report from the County Police which stated that performance during the previous year had been up to our norm. They spent the rest of the evening trying to work out who our Norm was and what he was performing in.
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Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #908 on: Dec 17, 2019, 03:31:20 PM »
The Vicar will be asking the congregation to stand in silence for one minute to remember the late organist, Mr Percival Blower, who last Christmas Eve drank a large glass of yacht varnish, mistaking it for his wife's dandelion wine. We shall never forget that he met with a terrible end, but had a lovely finish.
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Scrumpy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #909 on: Dec 17, 2019, 03:59:29 PM »



The choir sang a lovely rendition of. ‘We Are Sailing’..
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Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #910 on: Dec 17, 2019, 04:14:48 PM »
... a cappella....
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richmond62

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #911 on: Dec 18, 2019, 10:35:16 AM »
Must be time to take up smoking again.

Scrumpy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #912 on: Dec 20, 2019, 11:25:16 AM »



We are gathering in the village hall to pay our respects to Tom Wallace fondly known as Tip-it-up-Tom ..He worked for 65 years as the local dustman.. He left his calling card wherever he went, be it a milk carton.. mouldy old bread or yesterdays newspaper..


He will be missed (by some).. His funeral date is to be arranged. But not Christmas week..  Easter.. or Bank Holidays..

Don't think of a caterpillar dying..Think of a butterfly living.


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Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #913 on: Dec 20, 2019, 11:51:42 AM »
A neighbour said, "I doubt if he will be there on the day he is supposed to be, he never was in life".
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Cassandra

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #914 on: Dec 20, 2019, 12:18:08 PM »
This poem was sent to a neighbour inside a Xmas Card that I viewed on her Mantlepiece. The post script was hilarious I thought?

I’m fed and watered and kept clean
and told that I’ll be seldom seen
As the years drag slowly by
I pray each night that I might die
But still I live, I wonder why?
I did’nt want to end this way
I’m waiting now for deliverance day
 
PS - Who’d be without the ‘Radio Times’!