Author Topic: Village News - Please add yours  (Read 30392 times)

Ode Iron

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #945 on: Mar 16, 2020, 02:45:00 AM »
A village local is apparently in disgrace..he was in the para- olympics and was recently tested for drug enhancements..alas he was tested positive for...WD40.
Masks are muzzles

crabbyob

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #946 on: Mar 16, 2020, 05:12:49 AM »
bernard beer-belly was stopped at customs on his return from Goa
customs men confiscated his two suitcases of hand gell because of their alcoholic content
every hill has a down side, even Benny Hill

Scrumpy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #947 on: Mar 22, 2020, 11:16:57 AM »



Local postmistress and respected spinster Florence Primmer   passed over the weekly takings to a man wearing a mask.. She described him as 'evil looking' and thought he had something sinister in his pocket..


It turned out to be the local vicar protecting himself against the virus.
Don't think of a caterpillar dying..Think of a butterfly living.


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Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #948 on: Mar 22, 2020, 11:26:48 AM »
The vicar of the Village church has announced a magnificent collection this morning.
Parking is such street sorrow.

crabbyob

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #949 on: Mar 23, 2020, 08:38:03 AM »
Ivor Virus refused to remove his mask at immigration last night for health reasons
so he was returned to Goa
every hill has a down side, even Benny Hill

Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #950 on: Mar 25, 2020, 10:33:12 AM »
The RSPCA was called to a remote bungalow at the edge of the Village, where they picked up a dog completely wrapped up in fly paper. They wanted to put him down but they just couldn't do it.
Parking is such street sorrow.

Scrumpy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #951 on: Mar 25, 2020, 10:45:46 AM »



Because of the coronavirus the vicar at St Lukes will only allow two people in at any one time....  At a recent wedding he and the organist were the only people in the church..
Don't think of a caterpillar dying..Think of a butterfly living.


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zoony

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #952 on: Mar 25, 2020, 12:07:39 PM »
                                      LONELY HEARTS:


    Man with toilet rolls WLTM woman with hand sanitizer for good, clean fun..
" There ain't no Devil, it's jus' God when he's drunk.."

Tom Waites

Michael Rolls

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #953 on: Mar 25, 2020, 12:11:08 PM »


Because of the coronavirus the vicar at St Lukes will only allow two people in at any one time....  At a recent wedding he and the organist were the only people in the church..
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Mike
The older I get, the better I was!

crabbyob

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #954 on: Mar 25, 2020, 12:15:02 PM »


Because of the coronavirus the vicar at St Lukes will only allow two people in at any one time....  At a recent wedding he and the organist were the only people in the church..


and because of this situation the lady organist has asked for a more detailed job description

every hill has a down side, even Benny Hill

Scrumpy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #955 on: May 05, 2020, 09:09:58 AM »



Mavis Turk has not seen her husband, window cleaner Fred, since lockdown began..
 Fred was cleaning the inside windows of local widow Florrie Brown at the time and is not allowed to leave her house.


The vicar and the verger are spending lockdown in the vestry.
Don't think of a caterpillar dying..Think of a butterfly living.


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Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #956 on: May 05, 2020, 09:28:05 AM »
The Hon C. Breeze, the Village mayor, and his fiance Miss Cheese, who chairs the Village Disabled People's group, have agreed to end their engagement.   In a statement he said, "When I discovered she had a wooden leg, I just had to break it off".
Parking is such street sorrow.

crabbyob

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #957 on: Jul 04, 2020, 11:53:19 AM »
the baths superintendents idea of leaving lanes 1....3....5 and 7 empty is good news for the local hill walkers group, who go in at the deep-end and walk up the slope to the shallow end then climb out and repeat the circuit
every hill has a down side, even Benny Hill

Scrumpy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #958 on: Jul 04, 2020, 12:36:28 PM »

 ;D ;D ;D

Learners and those who are nervous of water will be able to practice their strokes in lanes 1.. 3..5 and 7..
« Last Edit: Jul 04, 2020, 12:43:27 PM by Scrumpy »
Don't think of a caterpillar dying..Think of a butterfly living.


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Ashy

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Re: Village News - Please add yours
« Reply #959 on: Jul 04, 2020, 12:39:30 PM »
....please try not to poke ramblers in the eye, if practising the back stroke.
Parking is such street sorrow.