I asked my hairdresser to cut my hair like Tom Cruise, so he gave me a big cushion to sit on.
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I'm thinking about asking my ex wife to remarry me, but I'm worried she might think I'm just after her for my money....
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It's funny how my missus sits up all night waiting for me to come back from the pub just to ask me what time it is....
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I tried hiring a hit man to get rid of the wife, he said no problem and for a hundred quid he'd put a couple of bullets just under her boobs.
"Nah mate", i said, "i want her killing not bloody kneecapping...."
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Fella's, as the world cup is nearly upon us, show a bit of consideration for your wives and girlfriends.
Make sure the telly in the kitchen is working...
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I've been taking viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't make it go away or anything but it keeps the sheets off my legs....
