Author Topic: Losing one's wife  (Read 3902 times)

Michael Rolls

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Losing one's wife
« on: Jun 26, 2018, 06:24:25 PM »
And before I begin this, is an ladies apology, I am aiming this specific to widowers. I am fully aware that there are many ladies who have lost their spouses just as there are many men in a similar situation.
In no way am I trying to belittle the loss of a husband. On the other hand, I am trying to find out just how much the loss of a wife destroys one's life. My wife died on 23 January, just over five months ago, and I am finding life without her truly awful. I had thought that I was slowly, very slowly, begin the to come to terms with my loss, but today our solicitor got in touch regarding nearly finalising the lawmaker’s estate but needing that I needed to check one or two items. This I did but doing so was really terrible and I really do feel that I am back to stage one. How have other widowers coped in fhese circumstances?
Mike
The older I get, the better I was!

Undercover Pensioner

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Re: Losing one's wife
« Reply #1 on: Jun 26, 2018, 06:56:52 PM »
I don't think any loss of a loved one is any different for anyone Michael.  It has to be one step at a time; there is no other way.  It may be a man, woman or child who helps you on your way but you are quite right to reach out to others.  Today you took another step and although it was obviously incredibly painful you will never have to take it again.  Just one at a time.
« Last Edit: Jun 26, 2018, 11:51:21 PM by Undercover Pensioner »
The vote for Brexit was a vote to take back what we hadn't lost in order to lose what we actually have.

Scrumpy

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Re: Losing one's wife
« Reply #2 on: Jun 26, 2018, 07:49:24 PM »
I know it is the men that you hope will reply to you thread but I just wanted to say that the feeling of ‘loss’ hurts everyone.
 Being a woman I had friends I could turn to.. Meeting for coffee,lunch or a bit of shopping. Going on holidays together.. etc;.
 Men don’t seem to have this bond with friends that women have.. so,of course, it is harder for them.


It has only been five months Michael.. There will be many times when something happens and it seems just like yesterday..



Don't think of a caterpillar dying..Think of a butterfly living.


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Johned

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Re: Losing one's wife
« Reply #3 on: Jun 26, 2018, 09:54:01 PM »
Please accept my deepest sympathy Michael.  It is easy to say I hope things improve for you in time but sincerely wish you may eventually find peace.  I cannot imagine life without my wife who has poor health.

brian54

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Re: Losing one's wife
« Reply #4 on: Jun 26, 2018, 10:37:11 PM »
Please accept my deepest sympathy Michael.  It is easy to say I hope things improve for you in time but sincerely wish you may eventually find peace.  I cannot imagine life without my wife who has poor health.

[/quote


I am very sorry about your wife.
I am fortunate in having 2 daughters who do care and 4 granddaughters.
People do say daughters are the best to have but I know some very caring sons as well/
I will not get married again. It would make little difference to me.

Phil

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Re: Losing one's wife
« Reply #5 on: Jun 26, 2018, 10:52:01 PM »
And before I begin this, is an ladies apology, I am aiming this specific to widowers. I am fully aware that there are many ladies who have lost their spouses just as there are many men in a similar situation.
In no way am I trying to belittle the loss of a husband. On the other hand, I am trying to find out just how much the loss of a wife destroys one's life. My wife died on 23 January, just over five months ago, and I am finding life without her truly awful. I had thought that I was slowly, very slowly, begin the to come to terms with my loss, but today our solicitor got in touch regarding nearly finalising the lawmaker’s estate but needing that I needed to check one or two items. This I did but doing so was really terrible and I really do feel that I am back to stage one. How have other widowers coped in fhese circumstances?
Mike

I can feel your loss through your posts but it's not something I've had to face, but my wife has health issues & it's not certain that, despite me being much older, that I'll go first, & we have discussed the what ifs.

What I do know is that should my wife go before I do, the last thing I'd welcome is someone telling me to move on & all that rubbish.

My wife will always be the most important part of my life & no matter what the circumstances, I'll always talk about her & to her in the present.
"I've stopped arguing with idiots. They will only bring me down to their level and beat me with experience.”

Paraphrased from George Carlin

brian54

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Re: Losing one's wife
« Reply #6 on: Jun 26, 2018, 11:04:54 PM »
I can feel your loss through your posts but it's not something I've had to face, but my wife has health issues & it's not certain that, despite me being much older, that I'll go first, & we have discussed the what ifs.

What I do know is that should my wife go before I do, the last thing I'd welcome is someone telling me to move on & all that rubbish.

My wife will always be the most important part of my life & no matter what the circumstances, I'll always talk about her & to her in the present.



I can only agree what is being said here.
People told me to move on and get married again.
Being deeply involved with my daughters and granddaughter no way.

Michael Rolls

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Re: Losing one's wife
« Reply #7 on: Jun 27, 2018, 04:37:25 AM »
Thanks, folks.
Mike
The older I get, the better I was!

Bill Stickers

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Re: Losing one's wife
« Reply #8 on: Jun 27, 2018, 03:42:29 PM »
My wife of 20 years died in '98, in fact she's now been gone just longer than I knew her. You are essentially numb for at least a year, friends and family mainly try to over compensate by calling, or arranging meal trips etc. The worse part is the loss of a confidante, partner, adviser and friend. The change in regime and coalescing with just being alone is the part I struggled with most of all Michael.  I honestly miss her still every day and barely an hour passes without the mind reverting to recall and I conceive this will never change and I'm easy with that. You will never be alone.

Short term, which you are crossing now, their will be many cruel reminders of before this surreality struck you. I always remember her driving licence renewal and then an insurance company advising me that they'd been trying to trace me over a little pension plan she'd taken out when she was eighteen. I was unaware of it's existence and it pays out every November, another systematic reminder. This didn't happen until she was of pensionable age, fully sixteen years on from her passing. It hit me, but not with the sharp pain of the beginning of the afterwards, more a sadness and the memories it provoked of planning a retirement we'd never had.

The story line that 'time's a great healer' is a contradiction in reality I've found. What perhaps is being said is that with time we forget and I suppose to some extent that's true. I've found that embracing the memories and happiness helps and whenever a quandry throws up I still request opinion and rejoin with the conceptual response.

Above all I try to achieve the fulfilment she wanted me to attain, detailed in the letter I received posthumously, as a tribute of her contribution to my living years.

My sincere good wishes in your present circumstance ...

firenze

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Re: Losing one's wife
« Reply #9 on: Jun 27, 2018, 05:11:33 PM »
Bill Stickers...what a very sensitive reply you have given, I feel similarly whilst still surviving the loss of my life partner.  We were lucky to have what we did have weren't we.
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Mark Twain.

Michael Rolls

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Re: Losing one's wife
« Reply #10 on: Jun 27, 2018, 05:27:00 PM »
Bill
Many thanks  for that - I visit her grave every day - it's only 1/2 a mile away - and one of the things that strikes home is looking at some of tombstones. It's only a small cemetery, serving a population of probably no more than 3-4,000, but some of the inscriptions  really make one think and be grateful that Veronica and I had as long together - nearly 31 years - as we did,
Mike
The older I get, the better I was!

Scrumpy

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Re: Losing one's wife
« Reply #11 on: Jun 27, 2018, 06:41:50 PM »
Bill Stickers.. You got it right.
Don't think of a caterpillar dying..Think of a butterfly living.


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brian54

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Re: Losing one's wife
« Reply #12 on: Oct 16, 2018, 09:43:38 AM »
I don't like it when people keep saying I should have got married again. In our family marrying again after the loss of a husband / wife does not happen. Also I want my 2 daughters or possibly my granddaughters to have my estate. The money has been built up over the generations. There has never been a divorce in any known part of the family

Michael Rolls

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Re: Losing one's wife
« Reply #13 on: Oct 16, 2018, 10:04:22 AM »
Brian
I can understand somebody losing a partner at a relatively young age eventually marrying again - but I can't understand anyone advising them to do so - it is something so totally and utterly personal that nobody has the right to offer than kind of advice which, depending upon circumstance, might be terribly hurtful. Veronica and I were both on our second marriages - in both our cases the 'other half' up and left without a word of warning. At the time - I was 43 - I was devastated, but in fact it was the best thing that ever happened to me, because a few years later I met and eventually married Veronica. She assured me that she felt the same. We were together for just under 31 years. Losing Veronica is a totally different situation from Susan leaving me and far, far more traumatic. Even if I were much younger (I am 81) I cannot imagine that I would contemplate 'replacing' Veronica, not even for a moment
Mike
The older I get, the better I was!

Bobcat

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Re: Losing one's wife
« Reply #14 on: Oct 16, 2018, 03:41:42 PM »
I will start my reply with a caveat - this is purely my opinion and I hope that it will not offend anyone because that is not my intent. I am deeply sorry at your loss Michael and no words that I can say will make you feel any different. But there are some things that are worse than dying !! Five years ago my wife went into hospital for a bowel cancer operation, sadly things went wrong and she died, briefly, in the ICU. The skill and perseverance of the medical team brought her back but, sadly, she suffered significant brain damage, she now has dementia and is completely dependent on me. I took my wife of 40 years into hospital, she was articulate, interesting, involved in everything and was a joy to know. I brought out an old woman who needs help to get washed and dressed who needs everything doing for her. The woman that I am living with today is not the woman that married and I repeat - there are some things that are worse than dying