Author Topic: Weekend funnies.  (Read 464 times)

Floydian

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Weekend funnies.
« on: Oct 06, 2018, 12:10:59 PM »
A guy notices he's having a bit of "bedroom trouble" so he goes to the library and asks the librarian if they've got the new book about erectile dysfunction.

"It isn't in yet", she says.

"Yes thats the one" he replies....


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My missus threatened to leave me today because apparently I'm a know it all.


"We're at a crossroads in our relationship" she said, "one way is love and trust, the other is a break up".


"I think you'll find thats a T junction" i replied...


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I walked past a homeless guy holding a sign that read "one day this could be you".
So i put my pound back in my pocket just in case he was right....


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I knocked a dog over with my car last night. Things can get a bit rough when I'm playing monopoly...


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I've just heard that Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate halloween.
Maybe they just don't appreciate random people coming to their door...


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Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples. "Thirteen glasses of water please" he says to the barman, winking at the others...


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My wife said "if we were stuck on a desert island, what one record would you want?"
"The record for swimming the furthest" i replied.


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I sponsored my blind neighbour for a charity bungee jump. It went ok but his dog was terrified on the way down....


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Barry chuckle went to the solicitors for the reading of his brothers will.


"It's quite simple, he's leaving everything to you", said the solicitor.


"To me?" said Barry.


"To you", said the solicitor....


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I decided to get into shape so i joined a gym. I spotted this absolute cracker of a woman working out so i said to the instructor "what piece of machinery should i use to impress that bird over there?"


"In your case, I'd try the cash machine over the road at the bank you fat git" he replied....


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I bought my wife a full set of dvd's for christmas to help her to learn to cook properly.


A month later she bought me a porno dvd for my birthday...


 ;D
"Unbelievable, Jeff...."

Ashy

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Re: Weekend funnies.
« Reply #1 on: Oct 06, 2018, 12:18:10 PM »
Ah the cash machine, that brings the memories trickling back.

Floydian

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Re: Weekend funnies.
« Reply #2 on: Oct 06, 2018, 12:21:09 PM »
Ah the porno dvd, that brings the memories trickling back!  ;D
"Unbelievable, Jeff...."

fortyone

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Re: Weekend funnies.
« Reply #3 on: Oct 06, 2018, 12:22:58 PM »
Another fine selection.  ;D ;D ;D

Floydian

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Re: Weekend funnies.
« Reply #4 on: Oct 06, 2018, 01:52:02 PM »
Yes, some good ones there. I was messing about on my profile page last night and if the stats are accurate it seems I've posted over 300 jokes on here! Far and away the funniest thing I've ever read in the nine or ten months (on and off) I've been a member of pf was a comment of Brians something on the lines of dogs who live in council houses should pay £500 for a licence! I just forget the full gyst of it (sadly) but i remember grinning every time i recalled it at the time. He was probably being serious too! Some times the best funnies are the unintentional things people say. A couple of good examples are : "if i could find a country that didn't let immigrants in I'd move there" and a classic i once heard with my own ears "you can tell that the dinosaurs they use in films aren't real ones..." (technically true but unintentionally funny all the same).  :)
"Unbelievable, Jeff...."