I saw hercule poirot on a football special train on saturday.
There must have been a murder on the leyton orient express...
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I'm sure someone's spiking nicole sherzinger's yoghurt with vodka...
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I called the doctor and told him my wife was showing signs of early labour.
"Has her water broken?" he asked.
"No" i replied, she's putting up pictures of clement atlee all around the house...
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News flash : Possible cure found for dyslexia.
Spokesman says: "at last there's light at the end of the toenail..."
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Just had a woman at the front door explaining the benefits of brown bread for over an hour.
Bloody hovis witnesses....
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I find it really embarrassing when guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch.
Especially as he's a chihuaha and i have to lift him up....
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I always read my wifes horoscope to see what kind of day I'm going to have.
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Pensioners: Be careful at the travel agents, 18-30 holidays are not the bedtimes...
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I'm gonna start a leaf clearing business.
I'll rake it in....
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If i could take ABBA out for lunch, i would, my friend, for nando's....
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Quote: 'Ivanka Trump would make an incredible ambassador to the united nations'.
She'll be able to find even more poor countries to make her clothes....
