I'd like to dedicate these jokes to my father, who was a roofer.
"So dad, if you're up there...."
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The air stewardess went through the demonstration, showing us where the exits are etc, then finished by saying that in the event of a real emergency we should sit with our heads between our legs.
If i could do that i wouldn't even BE on this flight to thailand....
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I've started a business selling japanese bonsai trees. It's been so successful I'm thinking of moving into smaller premises...
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Marriage is like a self service cafe, you choose what you want then see what your mate's got and fancy a bit of that as well....
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The other day i saw a busker playing dancing queen on a digeridoo.
I thought, that's aboriginal....
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My wife came into the bedroom wearing nothing but a pair of red fishnet stockings.
She looked like two bags of onions....
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I picked up a hitch hiker, he seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles he asked me if i was afraid he might be a serial killer.
I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were pretty unlikely....
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My wife said "You've never once held the door open for me".
"Not true", i replied "what about that time you threatened to leave?"
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A guy goes into the chemists and says "I'd like to buy some tablets to kill my wife please"
The lady chemist replies " i can't do that, what makes you want to kill her anyway?"
The man pulls out a picture of his wife in bed with the lady chemists husband. The pharmacist smiles and says "sorry, my mistake, you didn't say you had a prescription...