I WENT to my GP last week and told him: “Doctor, I can’t stop stealing things.” He replied: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, get me a plasma TV.”
MAN is in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying: “Oooh, you are amazing.” Then the fruit machine shouts: “Rubbish, look at his hair!” The barman says: “I’m sorry, the nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine’s out of order.”
TWENTY per cent of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80 per cent kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
LIBRARIAN was shocked when a young girl, who looked no more than nine years old, tried to borrow a book called Advice For Young Mothers.
“Surely dear, you can’t be pregnant?”
“What are you on about? I just collect moths.”
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A CHIP walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “Hey, could I get a beer please?” The barman looks at him, shakes his head and says: “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food in here.”
AN unemployed man at a JobCentre is asked: “Why haven’t you looked for a job in six months?”He says: “I have a problem with my eyes — I can’t see myself working.”
HOW do you force a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
A BLONDE was asked to check if her fella’s indicator lights were working. She yelled back: ‘Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...’
Take care
S