Today's groan

[Dorsetmike]

A friend of mine was an archaeologist but had to change his job -  his career was in ruins.

[Dorsetmike]

Why did Shakespeare write with ink?
 Because he couldn't decide which pencil to use - 2B or not 2B.

[Alex22]

Gawd........

[Michael Rolls]

Oh dear!
Mike 

[zoony]

DMike..Just how many back copies of The Beano do you actually have? 

[Dorsetmike]

Have I got to do this all on me own, has nobody else got any contributions? Horrible puns, spoonerisms, malapropisms etc, but try and keep 'em clean!

[zoony]

Take a look at the 'Jokes and Funnies' section, Mike. We do lots of funnies from time to time.

[Scrumpy]

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to...
 Unless you’re in prison.!

[Dorsetmike]

Take a look at the 'Jokes and Funnies' section, Mike. We do lots of funnies from time to time.

That's why I posted it in the jokes and funnies section! These are just shorties and punnies

[zoony]

  Of course you did...Musta missed my meds this morning.

[Dorsetmike]

I heard of a butcher who caught his backside in his bacon slicer and got a little behind in his deliveries.

[Dorsetmike]

Did you hear about the burglar who fell into a cement mixer?
Now he's a hardened criminal.

 Comment -
 
 He must have been plastered. Mortar the point, did the police find any concrete evidence  that he was rendered senseless before becoming set in his ways?

[Dorsetmike]

I used to search for shellfish on the beach until one day when I pulled a mussel.

[Dorsetmike]

How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?

Toot-an'-come-in

[Michael Rolls]