Author Topic: Today's groan  (Read 1223 times)

Dorsetmike

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 241
Re: Today's groan
« Reply #45 on: May 20, 2019, 10:42:31 PM »
 It's a long 'un but guaranteed to make you groan!

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, and the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast; the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".

The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know".

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".

The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"
 
___

 "I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman, "what from".

After a short pause, the rabbit said...

"Mixin'-me-toasties".   
I'm like my avatar, a local ruin

Michael Rolls

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8734
Re: Today's groan
« Reply #46 on: May 20, 2019, 10:45:16 PM »
Oddly enough, having read that many times, I was intending to post it - well done - one of my favourites!
Mike
The older I get, the better I was!

Dayjo

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1618
Re: Today's groan
« Reply #47 on: May 20, 2019, 10:55:03 PM »
Love it!  ;D ;D ;D
David & Christine...... NE Derbyshire.

Life happens, when you connect with people.
Not, constantly working to be better, or to have more......

zoony

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 40894
Re: Today's groan
« Reply #48 on: May 20, 2019, 11:59:10 PM »
It's a long 'un but guaranteed to make you groan!

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, and the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast; the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".

The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know".

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".

The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"
 
___

 "I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman, "what from".

After a short pause, the rabbit said...

"Mixin'-me-toasties".   


 ;D ;D   A true Shaggy Dog story! Well done Dorset..
" There ain't no Devil, it's jus' God when he's drunk.."

Tom Waites

minniemouse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9153
Re: Today's groan
« Reply #49 on: May 21, 2019, 08:53:12 AM »
 ;D ;D ;D
I saw an ad for burial plots.  I thought to myself, "this is the last thing I need".

Dorsetmike

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 241
Re: Today's groan
« Reply #50 on: May 26, 2019, 11:55:55 AM »

A man goes into the doctor.

He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said.

"There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.

"I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
I'm like my avatar, a local ruin

Michael Rolls

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8734
Re: Today's groan
« Reply #51 on: May 26, 2019, 11:58:41 AM »
Oh dear!
Mike  ;D ;D ;D
The older I get, the better I was!

Dorsetmike

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 241
Re: Today's groan
« Reply #52 on: May 27, 2019, 09:54:21 PM »
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!
I'm like my avatar, a local ruin

Dorsetmike

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 241
Re: Today's groan
« Reply #53 on: May 28, 2019, 11:09:35 AM »
A transvestite is a man who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
I'm like my avatar, a local ruin

Dorsetmike

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 241
Re: Today's groan
« Reply #54 on: May 29, 2019, 03:59:39 PM »
When a bomb goes off in the middle of a herd of cows, there will be udder destruction.
I'm like my avatar, a local ruin

Dorsetmike

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 241
Re: Today's groan
« Reply #55 on: Jun 01, 2019, 01:36:46 PM »
The Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings.
I'm like my avatar, a local ruin

zoony

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 40894
Re: Today's groan
« Reply #56 on: Jun 02, 2019, 12:30:32 AM »
 Me and the wife were walking on the beach when all of a sudden a gigantic hand appeared and then disappeared offshore..I turned to the missus and said " Did you see the size of that wave?!!"
" There ain't no Devil, it's jus' God when he's drunk.."

Tom Waites

Michael Rolls

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8734
Re: Today's groan
« Reply #57 on: Jun 02, 2019, 06:04:42 AM »
Me and the wife were walking on the beach when all of a sudden a gigantic hand appeared and then disappeared offshore..I turned to the missus and said " Did you see the size of that wave?!!"
;D ;D ;D ;D
Mike
The older I get, the better I was!

Dayjo

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1618
Re: Today's groan
« Reply #58 on: Jun 02, 2019, 08:58:47 AM »
Made us smile...  ;D ;D
David & Christine...... NE Derbyshire.

Life happens, when you connect with people.
Not, constantly working to be better, or to have more......

Dorsetmike

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 241
Re: Today's groan
« Reply #59 on: Jun 03, 2019, 04:09:56 PM »
A Shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.
I'm like my avatar, a local ruin