I don't like to talk about my years working as a cinema usher.
I was in a dark place at the time....
--------
I was in town earlier and a homeless beggar came up to me with a trainer in his hand .
"Do you want to buy this size 13 nike trainer?" he asked.
"Sod off", i replied, "and take your biggish shoe with you..."
---------
I asked my grandad if i could take his dog for a walk yesterday.
"Yes but don't forget the poo bag" he said.
"Come on then grandma, you're coming too" i replied...
---------
Someone suggested getting a stripper for my wife's 60th birthday. What a fantastic idea!
She only has the paper to hang now....
--------
My wife finally announced today that she's leaving me for the dodgy indian guy that owns our local corner shop.
I don't know what she sees in Baldeep....
--------
Toilets in restaurants are dangerous. So many of my dates have gone to use them and just vanished....
---------
I'm the best DJ's assistant in the world. In fact i hold the record....
-------
For my first question on mastermind, John Humphreys asked:
"William the conquerer used many tactics to defeat Harold, what clever instruction did he give to his archers that finally won the battle?"
"Sorry John", i said, "i think there's been a mix up, i asked for questions on Norman Wisdom"....