Author Topic: Father moviing in with a relative  (Read 239 times)


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Father moviing in with a relative
« on: May 05, 2020, 06:32:23 AM »
Hello There
I wonder if anyone can help with this question please. 

My elderly father has been staying with a relative in Lockdown for several weeks.  The relative has had access to my father's debit card and has been spending on it, liberally.  This relative has said that my father can stay permanently if he wishes.  My father has his own Apartment to return to if he wishes and has expressed a wish to do this in several conversations on the telephone to me.  Now this relative is saying my father wants to go and live with him, and Dad does not seem to be against it.  This relative is asking for my father's house to be sold.  My father suffers from senile dementia and his GP carried out memory tests etc in the past.  My father had power of attorney arranged several years ago for him and my mother.  I am one POA and his solicitors also hold power of attorney.  This was done initially to prevent the relative from taking large sums of money from my parents (as was happening at the time - Dad could never say no to him).  I am not totally adverse to my father living with this relative (although it's not ideal for me), my father thinks the sun shines out of him, even though he knows (knew when he was composmentis), that this relative was capable of bleeding him dry) - this is why Dad asked for me and my sister to handle their finances. In fact when my mother was ill and dying, I got nurses in to care for her, and was severely criticised for, (in this relative's words) 'throwing money at the situation'.  If power of attorney had not been arranged prior to my mother being ill, this relative would have made sure Dad had NO money.
My question is: how much bed and board should I allocate to the situation?  My father lives in a warm climate, and doesn't eat very much at all - he is not extravagant and leads a very simple life.  I need to make sure my father's needs are met financially, which wouldn't be a problem, but I am mindful of this relative's intention to profit from the situation, as per his request that my father's apartment be sold.  This is not necessary as my father has a good income from his pension.  My father is entirely susceptible to being coerced in his poor mental state, and would agree to anything this man puts to him.  I have evidence of him bullying my father in the past.  My father could go back to his Apartment if he wanted to, and we would continue to care for him there.  We have a certification to his mental state by his GPs, and Dad's solicitors would not let anything untoward happen to him.  This is as far as things have got.  Has anyone had experience of this sort of thing before?  How much should Dad fairly pay for his bed and board?   


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Re: Father moviing in with a relative
« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2020, 06:45:45 AM »
Seek proper legal advice.
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Michael Rolls

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Re: Father moviing in with a relative
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2020, 06:56:48 AM »
with the best will in the world, I don't think that anyone here can give you detailed advice on something so important. I agree with mick607 - go to your solicitor, and the sooner the better
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Re: Father moviing in with a relative
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2020, 07:31:39 AM »
So do I
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Re: Father moviing in with a relative
« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2020, 09:43:41 AM »

“I have evidence of him bullying my father in the past”

“This relative was capable of bleeding him dry”

“This relative is asking for my father's house to be sold”

I think you know the answer to your own question – your father should be removed from the clutches of your relative to his own apartment or your home asap.

Expect your relative to apply extreme coercion and psychological manipulation of your father during the process, so make it quick.

Rest assured it will be nothing compared to what you and your father will suffer in the future if you carry on pretending that paying for your father’s bed and board will make the problem go away.


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Re: Father moviing in with a relative
« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2020, 01:35:03 PM »
Hello Sarabel

I agree with Michael,  seek legal advice, is it possible you could house you father  rather than let him stay with this money grabbing relative,

Considering your fathers predicament it would be wise if you could or are able let him live with you,
at least he would be that much safer, secure, and protected,  and you would have peace of mind knowing he would be safe and protected, where you could keep an eye on him,

is it possible you could get hold of the credit/debit cards and make this person accountable  to you instead, allocating a certain amount of money each month and the relative having to account to you  for what's being asked for.  plus receipts as well,.to justify the money being spent,.

as power of attorney you have rights a well , to protect your parents,  so seek legal advice and make it soon,   
« Last Edit: May 05, 2020, 01:43:06 PM by Alfred »


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Re: Father moviing in with a relative
« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2020, 03:14:00 PM »
You say that you hold POA equally with a firm of solicitors and I would express your fears to them. If you do not feel that they are independent then seek alternative legal advice of your own for a balanced opinion.

As others have urged do not delay.
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Re: Father moviing in with a relative
« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2020, 04:42:18 PM »
I would only like to add that if you have a preferred outcome, you should document it, and ask the solicitor how it can be achieved.
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Re: Father moviing in with a relative
« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2020, 06:19:27 PM »
Reading your post Sara brought back memories of a similar experience I had with my Father, it never involved a relative though.
My Father was no mug but you don't need to be a mug to get sucked into some situations.
At the time my Father was in fine health but I suppose loneliness, a smile, a few nice words etc, oh & no POA.
How did I handle it?
Well Sunday lunch my Father, myself & my two brothers would have a drink. I said I had to nip out, I had keys for my Fathers house & that's where I headed. The woman was there, feet up in the lounge, in "Moms chair" watching the TV. Within 10 mins her bags were packed & she was gone...……..I dare not say on here what I said but it worked...….About three days later the old man phoned to tell me she had gone. I asked if he was alright & he said I'm glad ***** has gone, I didn't really want her here but I didn't want to tell her.

In your case, I agree with OP, legal advice ASAP. Just to add, a POA is a very powerful piece of paper. You were given it because you were trusted AND with the view that you would always act for & do the very best for your Father. Maybe think how your Father would've thought some 20 years back whilst in sound mind & body?

Hope it all works out for you & your Father.


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Re: Father moviing in with a relative
« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2020, 10:47:26 AM »
It's possible that sarabell will return to digest the words of wisdom here but I fear that past experience suggests this may have just been a flying visit.

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